At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
