he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
