I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
