Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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