my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
