Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
