Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
