I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
