I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
