So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
