I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
