I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
