If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
We left the knife in your bed.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
