i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
