I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
