If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
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