i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
