I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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