fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
