are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
