im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
