im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
