haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
the liver wants what the liver wants
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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