One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize