go do what you do best...puke behind churches
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
