Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
