someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
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it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
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Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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