Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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