My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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