Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
he just fucked me for my cheese..
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
