After last night, I could never be a politician.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Redeem this text for a blowjob
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Never underestimate the power of titties
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
