Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
