I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
