if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
