Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.