i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.