She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
