Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
