I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
