dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
