I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
