I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
