i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
