omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
She has the best kind of daddy issues
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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