You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
