also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
