we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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