Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
