pop tarts are not kleenex
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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