i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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