I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
