I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
