you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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