last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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