Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
