Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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