my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
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