i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
