i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
