The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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