he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Randomize
