The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
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I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
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i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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