Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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