I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
