i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
